One place my growth is evident is my new found sociability, I used to be shy and terrified of speaking even to my friends. I the 6th grade talent show I ran off the stage crying after being frozen on stage for 3 minutes and now I sing at open mic night at least once a month. I have grown so much in this amount of time that I don’t recognise myself. I feel like I am now able to be myself and push my anxiety to the side. I have always had a passion for singing and writing music, but I couldn’t even sing in front of my family and now I have realized that this is my life and people who will judge me don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.
Another piece of growth I have conquered is at this time last year I was addicted to drugs, suicidal, and living in a home with my biological father who would shove, punch and throw things at me; I now live with my mom who is clean and my stepfather who is always there for me. I remember being kicked awake because I passed out from needing food because I hadn’t eaten in around 3 days and collapsed on my floor. I eventually told my mom and stepdad who advocated for me to be removed from the situation. I now have the mental stability to be successful in my life.
I’m really proud of overcoming the two years I threw up every meal and cut myself. I was in a negative headspace and lived with undiagnosed manic depressive disorder. I am happily clean from everything I lived with last year. I haven’t thrown up since the fourth of july! The fact of eating disorders in my life is almost hereditary, my great grandma, my grandma, and my aunt have struggled with bulimia. It took a lot, but I have learned a lot about self cruelty and through that I have started to love myself. I now eat very healthy and am on reparative medication that will rebuild my stomach lining. I now know what my demons and weaknesses are.
2 things to work on
I have a very pessimistic attitude about school projects that I don’t see application for; I don’t put in creativity or effort into making the project apply to me. I need to learn how to look at things in a brighter light and not always take happiness for granted. I have been told I was a masochist and I honestly can’t disagree because I have always felt better about myself when I was miserable; I thought that there was no depth to happiness. I have a lot of work to do but I feel like I will be able to overcome my negativity in time.
Procrastination in everything, I can’t work around people
I have a hard time working around people, I work a lot better at home by myself where my family keeps me in check. At school I can get distracted when I am in work time especially. The smallest things like a paperclip can distract me into a state where I will just stop working. I am addressing this issue by taking ginkgo biloba every morning and cutting down on my coffee intake.